Red vs Blue: The Greatest War Ever!
by hall-wolf
Summary: Secret missions, special agents, mutineers...things are about to escalate in Blood Gulch.
1. Chapter 1

**Red Team**

Sarge

Simmons

Grif

Donut

Lopez

**Blue Team**

Church

Tucker

Caboose

Sister

Tex

Doc(neutral)

_I do not own the Red Team, or the Blue Team, or many of the other characters unfortunate enough to end up in one of my stories._

_At Red Base…_

All of the Blood Gulch Red Team was crammed into Red Base's basement for their tri-weekly staff meeting. Seated around a big table, Sarge banged the butt of his shotgun on the surface to attract everyone's attention.

Sarge: Alright you lollygaggers the staff meeting's starting. Simmons, do roll call.

Grif: We're all here.

*thwack*

Grif: AH! DAMNIT SARGE! THE HELL?!

Sarge: Simmons' is taking roll call! No flap jackin'!

Simmons: Yeah, Grif. No…flap jacking?

Donut: Oooh, are we making pancakes?

Grif: But we're all here! There are five of us Red soldiers in this stupid canyon. This is Red Base. There are five soldiers in this room so EVERYBODIES HERE! We were here yesterday and the day before that and unfortunately we'll be here tomorrow. And it's not like any of us ever leave Red Base anyway. 'CAUSE there's no way out of this fuckin' canyon and the only other thing is the stupid fucking Blue Base filled with stupid fucking blue guys.

Simmons: You're sister's on Blue Team.

Grif: Sorry. Stupid fucking Blue _people!_

*thwack*

Grif: AGHHH! DAMNIT!

Sarge: Please continue, Simmons.

Simmons: Thank you, sir. Okay…let's do this…alphapetically this time around.

Donut: Whooo! Trying new things! Awesome.

Grif: Hey how come Donut get's to talk during-

*thwack*

Grif: OW!

Sarge: Simmons! Please continue.

Simmons: Okay um….Dexter Grif?

Grif: I'm here-

*thwack*

Grif: OW, FUCK!

Sarge: Woops. Slipped.

Simmons: Private First Class Dick Simmons. That's me. Private Franklin Delano Donut?

Donut: Here, and looking faaaantastic I might add.

Sarge: Duly noted, Donut. Now shut up!

Simmons: Lopez, you here?

Lopez: Hola, muchacho.

Simmons: Oookay. And um….Sarge. Hey Sarge? Why don't you have, like, a first name? Or a last name? Shouldn't you be Sergeant Something or other?

Sarge: Well Simmons, that's classified information of the highest …classification. If I told you then I'd have to immediately kill you to prevent my identity from possibly spreading to the Blue army for the enemy to use against me.(mutters) Those bastards….

Donut: C'mon Sarge tell us, pleeeeease?!

Sarge: Dammit Donut, I just told Simmons! If I tell anyone my name I will immediately be forced to put a bullet in their head and….Say Grif, how'd you like to learn some classified information?

Grif: Yeah…no thanks. Can we please just wrap this waste of time so I can go back to, ya know, wasting time?

Sarge: As much as I hate to admit it, Grif is right! We have to get to strategizin'. No doubt those yellow-bellied Blue bastards are hatching some ingenuis and nefarious scheme to take our base and kill us all, obtaining victory and forever disgracing the glorious Red Army!

Hell, they could be executing it right now!

_Meanwhile at Blue Base…_

Sister: Hey! Ummm…Captain Cathedral? Shouldn't we be, like, strategizing and stuff? For, you know, the whole war thing we've got going on?

Church: Okay, first off…It's Church. Not Cathedral, That's the stupidest name I've ever hear and this is like, the valley of fucking stupid names. Secondly…. If you haven't noticed by now…we're not really running an elite team of crack operatives down here. Last time I tried to hold a strategy meeting Caboose got lost on the way to the basement and somehow wound up in the Red Base, Doc wouldn't shut up about how he wasn't technically part of Blue team but he wouldn't get out of our base either, and Tucker just snuck off to hang out under his rock.

Sister: Yeah…what does he do down there anyway?

Church: I honestly never, ever want to find out.

Sister: Sounds like fun. But what if the Red guys attack or something?

Church: Well, judging from all our past experiences if the Red's did decide to attack first they would assemble all around our base and then they would get in a fight over what to do next.

Sister: okay…Cool.

Church: While they're fighting, we would probably try to make a plan to fight them off. But Tucker would be too much of a lazy coward and Caboose would get really confused. Then we'd use Shiela….

Sister: Oh that's so hot! How come nobody on this team ever uses me? I like being used!

Church: What? No. What? Sister Shiela is the tank, remember?

Sister: Oh right. Woops.

Church: *sigh* Anyway the Red's would retreat and then the something would go wrong with the tank and it would probably start shooting us. Then something stupid would happen to us and the Reds would see but make the absolute wrong conclusion and then they would do something stupid and then we'd spend the next couple days doing stupid shit and not accomplishing anything.

Sister: Yeah, that does sound like Blue Team doesn't it. We're **so** awesome.

Church: *sigh* yeah sure. I'm just going to go sit alone somewhere and try to pretend I'm…anywhere else. Okay. Just make sure nobody blows up the base. Can you do

that for me?

Sister: You got it man!

(Church trudges away, shaking his head)

Sister: Hmm…I didn't know you could blow the base. I fucking love this army!!

_Outside the Blue Base…_

Caboose: Hell-o Sheila. I decided to come outside because you looked lonely! Just sitting out here, looking at the sky, through big missile shooting nose.

Shiela: Thank you, Caboose. I appreciate your sentiment but-

Caboose: I don't have any cement, Shiela. I am sorry.

Shiela: But I am not alone. Private Tucker is inside me trying to use my main computer to look at porn. It will not work.

Tucker: Shut-up! You don't know that!

(Caboose turns back to the Base)

Caboose: CHURCH!!!

(Church appears at the top of the base and looks down)

Church: Oh for pete's sake….WHAT CABOOSE?!! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT RIGHT NOW?!

Caboose: Church….I do not want to scare you but Shiela. Ate. TUCKER! He is inside her!

Tucker: Bow Chicka Bow Wow.

Church: Great. Fantastic. I'll ask command to give Shiela a freaking medal! I'm going down the basement.

Caboose(whispers): I don't think Church likes you Tucker.

Tucker: Yeah, big surprise there, Caboose.

_In space, many, many miles above the surface of…whatever planet Blood Gulch is on._

A very small stealth ship hung in orbit over the planet. Crowded into the too small ship were three figures, all in standard regulation armor. Strangely enough two were in Blue and one was in Red.

They collaborated sinisterly….

Blue 1: Are we there yet?

Red: Shut-up.

Blue 1: Seriously…I think there's a grenade up my ass.

Red: Don't talk to me.

Blue 2: We all have grenades up our asses Brother Spoon. Discomfort is the price of true freedom. But we walk the path of the revolutionary! But let me ask you, who among us would rather shove TEN grenades up his ass then wear the itchy shackles of tyranny a moment longer. It's a long hard road to true liberty, and sometimes it must be marched with rifles holstered in…uncomfortable places however-

Red: Shut-up.

Blue 1(Spoon): What's he taking about?! No body said anything…about….I wasn't told….Where did he say my rifle was going?!

Blue 2: Brother Spoon, we are the forerunners of a brave new world. The bringers of a glorious new dawn, surely you are willing to sacrifice a couple paltry gallons of blood to purge the universe of the corruption and despotism? Don't you agree Brother Grim?

Red(Grim): Shut-up. Don't talk to me.

Spoon: …how much blood?

(The ships intercoms buzz to life and it's onboard computer speaks)

Computer: Captain Abernathy? Diagnostic is complete. All systems functioning and cargo is secure. Proceed with planetary landing.

Spoon: Finally!

Blue 2(Abernathy): Of course, ship. Like a holy ark, begin to carry us across the seas of adversity so that we may settle our new promised land.

Computer: Does that mean land?

Abernathy: Yes, ship.

Computer: Beginning planetfall sequence. Aquiring coordinates: Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Estimated time to reach destination….24 hours.

Spoon: Dammit!

Grim: Shut-up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_I guess this would be my first chapter…so it's a work in progress. Just so you know, Spoon, Grim, and Captain Abernathy are all my own character. But what are they up too? _

…_seriously. I haven't figured that one out yet. No clue what's going on._

_See you in Ch. 2. _


	2. Chapter 2, Dudes

_I do not own Red vs Blue. I do however own a hat and a two pairs of boxers…and that's about it. I'm thinking about starting a mini-series starring my boxers. Anyway, let's continue the story…_

_Still inside the Red Base…_

Sarge: So it's agreed then! From now on Grif will be refered to as Private Sissy McDouchebag von Loserstinkbutt. Also, the position of Official Moving Target will be relegated to Grif as well as the positions of Official Rocket Launcher cleaner and Official Ramp builder.

Grif: I have some objections to this proposal.

Simmons: On what grounds?

Grif: The grounds of "This sucks."

Sarge: Overruled. Just so you know, we don't have any materials to build a jump ramp for the Warthog with. So you're going to have to use your own body as a miniature speed bump. And we also don't have any scrubs for the Rocket Launchers so you'll have to clean them with your tongue.

Grif: Do I at least get to turn the safety on?

Sarge: Now that would just take away all the fun.

Grif: What fun?

Sarge: I meant fun for me!

*Bzzzt-zzzt-Bzzzz*

(heavy electronic static bursts in from the nearby radio)

Sarge: What in the Sam Hill?

Simmons: What's that noise?

*Bzzzt-Duuu-zzzt-Come in-zzzt-zt-Come in Dudes*

Grif: Oh great, this guy.

Vic: Red Dudes…Come in Red Dudes. This is Vic, over. Pick up the phone, dudes. Special orders, hot off the press, delivered straight to your door in ten minutes or your money back dudes.

Sarge: Red Command? Vic is that you? Do you have our orders?

Vic: Yessir indeedy Sergeant Sarge, got your orders right here dude. I got one half pepperoni, half sausage and stuffed crust, and one pineapple pizza. Oh and uh, two Diet Cokes dudes. Gotta stay in shape, ya know.

Simmons: What the hell are you talking about?

Vic: Just kidding Red Dudes. Yanking your chains, pulling your fingers you know. Knock-knock, how many Blue Dudes does it take to change a light bulb?

Donut: ummm….four?

Simmons: Does that include the scary chick in the black armor?

Donut: Oh right, five?

Vic: Orange you glad I didn't say banana, dudes?

Simmons: ……..

Donut:…….

Vic: But seriously Dude-rino's, we got some major developments developing your way. Some shit's hit the fan at Red Command and a big hot steamy pile of it is zooming towards Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Let me fill ya in….

_Meanwhile at Blue Base…_

Tucker: Okay, okay. Twenty-third times a charm. This is the army! There's gotta be some porn somewhere around here.

Shiela: Private Tucker my onboard computer suggests we are about fifty-two trillion light years away from the nearest wireless broadcast point and therefore-----Attention receiving inbound signal----Attempting to verify…..

Tucker: YES! Finally! I knew it. Ladies of the universe here I come!

Shiela: I am receiving a signal from the Blood Gulch satellite defense perimeter. A non- military aircraft currently attempting to land.

Caboose: We have a satellite?

Tucker: I don't suppose this ship is, like, just maybe….full of lonely alien women. Sexy aliens. Not like that…Blarg thing.

Shiela: Unable to verify. Standard protocol insists our CO be made aware of this development.

Caboose: Ahhh yes…the Cookie Monster….I will tell him right away, Shiela.

Tucker: No numb nuts. CO means Commanding Officer.

Caboose:…….

Tucker: The guy here with the highest rank.

Caboose: …….

Tucker: The leader.

Caboose: Sarge?

Tucker: No, the leader of our team.

Caboose: You mean that dead guy?

Tucker: *sigh*

_Inside the Blue Base_

Sister: Uhhh, hey Church?

Church: What is it Sister?

Sister: There's this weird blinking light thingy going off on the giant Blue computer.

Church: We got a message from command?

Sister: No, it's a different light. Anyway can you show me how to turn it off I'm exercising my fingers and it's really breaking up my rhythm.

Church: What? Never mind. Let me take a look-HOLY SHIT THAT THING IS BRIGHT!!

Sister(shielding her visor): I know. And it makes this annoying_ beeeeeeeeeeep _sound.

Church: I don't hear anything….

*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

Church: Oh, there it is. That's just fucking great. How did I not notice that thing before?

Sister: I tried looking for a switch, or a plug but-

Church: WHAT?

Sister: I TRIED LOOKING FOR A-

Church: Okay, you know what. Fuck this. I'm getting my tool kit.

(Church walk out and returns with the Sniper Rifle)

Church: Suck this you worthless piece of crap!

***KA-**BLAM*

Sister: Hey it worked.

Church: And that's how we deal with lights here at Blue Base…um, and also buttons. Oh and sometimes the fridge door gets jammed. That's how we handle that too. And if the handle on the toilet gets a little stiff just give it a jiggle…then shoot it with a sniper rifle.

Caboose: Church! Church!(runs up gasping) I….have…a….message for you!

Church: Whoah, Caboose. Take a breath.

Caboose: Oh, breathing…I….forgot about that.

Sister: Hey, didn't he come from outside? Why is he all out of breath?

Caboose: Oh yeah…I…got a little….turned around…..trying to find you…

_In Red Base…over it actually. Like, on the roof._

Simmons(reloading his pistol): That was just weird.

Grif: You're telling me. Why do you think that Blue Guy just wandered into our base alone…

Simmons: Well, usually I'd guess that since we **are** in a war he was doing some kind of covert intelligence gathering, except…

Grif: Except what?

Simmons: I'm pretty sure that's the blue guy who walked a grenade all the way back to Blue Base because you told him it was a birthday present.

Grif: Now that was a good day. Besides, Blue guys aside, I'd much rather be out here on the roof than down in the basement listening to Vic. Christ, that guy's more annoying than Donut! I didn't think that was possible.

Simmons: But don't you want to hear what they're talking about? It sounded pretty important.

Grif: Yeah right Simmons. Were you here last time Red command called in? "Okay, Red dudes, your orders are to try and win." And," Shoot the Blue Dudes…preferably with bullets and stuff." Trust me Simmons, whatever that guy is blabbing about, it couldn't be more boring-

(Sarge and Donut's voice come up from the basement)

Donut-HOLY SHIT!! THAT"S TOTALLY UNBELIAVABLE!!

Sarge: Whoa Nelly! Boy's we got to get rolling. Simmons, prep the Warthog! Donut, pack us some lunches.

Simmons: What's going on Sarge? What happened?

Sarge: Simmons, we've got places to be! I'll explain on the way!

_Thus endeth chapter 2. In closing I have absolutely nothing interesting to say…big surprise._

_I think I'm gonna try and make the next chapters a little longer. Catch you later._


	3. Chapter 3, Where Stuff Happens

_The valley of Blood Gulch was filled with the sound of screeching tires and ho-down music as the Warthog rolled across the canyon, Red Team members hanging on for dear life._

Sarge(reading from a map): Grif! Now I need you to take a left at the big pointy rock thing. No, No! The other one…that's the ticket.

Grif: You know Sarge, it might be a little easier if you'd tell me where we're going instead of having me drive all over this cliff face. I'm pretty sure I've never even seen this part of the canyon before…

Sarge: Where we're going, Greaseball, is to the very top of these here cliffs.

Grif: Why would Command want us to drive to the top of…wait, Sarge please tell me Command wants us to throw Donut off the cliff.

Donut: Hey!

Grif: Because that's one order I'll be happy to follow.

Sarge: Put a cork in it Grif. Now put the brakes on , son. We're here.

Donut: Wow! I had no idea the cliffs went so high up…

Simmons: And I didn't know Grif could drive a five-hundred pound jeep straight up a horizontal rock wall. I guess you do have some skills after all.

Grif: The trick is to go _really_ fast and not open your eyes.

Simmons: And that friends is why we always wear our seatbelts.

Grif: Pffff! Seatbelt's are for women.

Sarge: Grif, quit distracting Simmons!

Simmons: Yeah Grif, quite distracting me….what am I doing again, sir?

Sarge: You're using the equipment on the Warthog to try and patch into our communications satellite so that we can get a lock on that incoming ship.

Simmons: There's a ship coming in? Is it Red or Blue? We have a sattelite?!

Donut: Is it bringing us a tank like the blues have? Ooh, ooh, new armor?

Grif: Or beer?

Sarge: Sorry men…and Grif. What Command called to tell me was that, just like here in Bllod Gulch, the glorious Red army is waging war across the galaxy against those yellow bellied Blues. But on a nearby space station, some of the soldiers have **deserted** our glorious crimson ranks!!

Grif: Deserted? They just left the army?

Simmons: Yes, Grif. That's what deserted means.

Grif: We're allowed to do that?!

Sarge: NO! To think anyone would so cravenly disgrace the honor of our brilliant red armor(sob).... Such treachery cannot go unpunished!

Grif: What does this have to do with us?

Donut: That weird guy from Command said that those other guys were headed here in a ship they stole. It's just like in a movie!

Sarge: Our order's say that if those double dealing devils show their two-faced faces here we detain them until a special agent from Red Command can pick 'em up.

Simmons: Special Agent? Why would they send a Special Agent after a couple deserters.

Sarge: Vic mentioned something about "military property" so no doubt they've absconded with some kind of ray gun, or a super bomb, or a brain eating zombie virus, **or **a horrific combination of all three!

Simmons: A ray gun that infects it's target with a virus that eats their brains and then explodes?

Sarge: Exactly, Simmons. You've got a keen mind, that's why I keep you around.

Grif: What about a bomb that turns people into zombies with ray guns?

Sarge: Grif, that is the absolute stupidest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. GET YOUR HEAD OUTTA YER ASS!

Donut: Hey guy's? There's this obnoxious pink thing going off in the Warthog…it's really annoying…

Grif: I think your looking in the mirror Donut.

Sarge: That's the indicator light thingamajiggy. Simmons get into the Warthog and see if you can figure out when and where it's gonna land.

Simmons: On it sir.

(Simmons hops into the front seat of the jeep and starts messing with a bunch of buttons)

Simmons: Okay…according to my calculations it should definitely land somewhere inside the canyon, somewhere close. And, uh, it looks like it's coming in pretty fast…

(A large siloutte appears on the sun's face, casting a massive shadow over the Red Team. Everyone except Simmons looks up)

Simmons: It should get here about…..

(There is a massive shriek and a huge space ship comes hurtling through the sky. The ground shakes as it passes over Blue base and crashes into something nearby)

Simmons:…now. Hey what are you guys all staring at over there?

_At Blue Base_

Shiela: Inbound ships detected. Inbound ship detected. Inbound ship detected.

Tucker: Yeah, we get it Shiela. Whoopdy fucking do. Now can you please turn your screen back so I can continue my…research.

Shiela: Hey, I told you don't do that in my backseat! I just go those seat covers cleaned!

Tucker: I'm not doing anything! I learned the last time, okay? Hey…is it getting darker out here. What's going on Sheila?

Shiela: Incoming ship, retard. Incoming ship, retard.

(Tucker peeks his head out of Shiela's cockpit)

Tucker: Bow-chika-bow-wo-OH SHIT!

(Tucker leaps out of the tank and starts to make a break for it)

Shiela: Wait Private Tucker! Take me with you. I don't want to die.

Tucker: How the hell am I supposed to do that? You're a tank!

Sheila: There is so much I haven't done yet! So much I haven't experienced! I'm too young and beautiful to die.

( The huge space ship crashes into the ground and skids across the canyon floor. It plows into Shiela and knocks her into the air. Spitting up gravel as it passes, the ship turns on it's side, the tail clocking Tucker in the head as it passes)

Tucker: Ow!

*CRASH*

*WHAM*

*EXPLOSION*

Tucker(looking at the wreckage): Well I guess that could have gone worse.

*WHAM*

(Shiela lands on Tucker)

_Inside the Blue Base_

*WHAM*

Tucker(voice): OH GOD!!!

Church: What the hell was that? Sister, can you check it out?

Sister: Sure dude.

(Sister runs out the door)

Sister(voice): Holy Crap!!

(Church and Caboose follow her outside)

Church: Holy shit…

Sister: How come nobody told me we were having a party?

(The ship is a flaming wreck smashed against the side of a nearby cliff wall. A deep trench has been churned up by it's passage and debris is scattered all across the area)

Caboose: Church…when did we get a new lawn ornament.( whispers) I do not like it very much.

Church: Caboose…what was the message you were going to tell me?

Caboose: Um…yeah, Shiela say's there's a ship coming. A big ship.

Church:*sigh* Great. Our backyard's on fire, Shiela is definitely out of commission and I'm pretty sure Tucker's dead.

Caboose: Not my fault.

Church: Caboose, shut the fuck up. Right now.

Sister: Hey guys? I think I hear something.

(Everyone turns as a door is kicked open and a figure stumbles out of the flaming wreckage)

Church: Hey Asshole!! You can't park here…you know….on my friend's dead body!

(The figure mumbles and stumbles around, unheeding)

Church: Hey! Hey! Pay attention!

(The figure turns toward Church and for the first time it's armor color is apparent.)

Church: Holy Shit it's a Red!

Caboose: Hey, Red Guy! You are at the wrong base!

(The Red Soldier collapses with a groan)

Caboose: I think we killed him.

Church: Caboose, we haven't fired any bullets yet.

Caboose: We are very scary.

Church: Whatever. Just go check on Shiela and Tucker, okay. See if you can get her off him. Sister, you help me load this guy into the base. I guess we've got a prisoner.

_On top of the Cliffs_

Grif(peering through the scope of the sniper rifle): Yeah, so…they're just standing there and…wait, wait, something's climbing out of the ship.

Donut: What does he look like?

Grif: I don't know. It's hard to tell under all that armor.

Simmons: So it's a soldier. What color armor is he wearing?

Grif: I dunno…it's sort of…kinda burgundy-ish.

Sarge: What the hell color is burgundy?! Are you sure?

Grif: That's what I'm seeing. I think….

Simmons: Describe it.

Grif: How the hell am I supposed to describe a color? It's burgundy. That's it.

Sarge: What team is he on?!

Grif: Well, it looks like the Blues are taking him hostage so I'd guess he's not on Blue team. Which means he's a Red right?

Simmons: Unless there's, like a Green Army, or something.

Sarge: Green Army! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. What kind of color is green for an army?! No color, that's what kind.

Donut: Hey, guys? I thought command said there were a couple rebels heading toward Blood Gulch. Why did only one climb get out of the ship?

Sarge: No doubt the other rebel's shame was so great upon realizing the truth of their actions that the other's committed suicide to preserve some of their lost honor. Rest in peace you treacherous scumbags.

Grif: Or maybe they committed suicide when they found out they'd be coming to this crap heap. That's what I'd do.

Simmons: So….is the mission over, Sarge.

Sarge: Hell no, Simmons! That's our prisoner the Blues have locked up in their base. We have to bust him out before those bastard's kill him.

Simmons: So that we can lock him up in our base?

Sarge: Correct.

Simmons: Until the Special Agent from Command comes to take him into custody?

Sarge: Yep.

Simmons: So command can execute him for treason?

Sarge: See, now your getting it!

Simmons:*sigh* Okay. Whatever.


End file.
